


The "Right" Choice

by TheAverageDorkYoudExpect



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Am I reposting everything from Wattpad onto this account? Yes- yes I am, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Drabble, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 08:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13430937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAverageDorkYoudExpect/pseuds/TheAverageDorkYoudExpect
Summary: Drabble based off a Tumblr post.





	The "Right" Choice

_**Connor's POV** _

It hadn't always been clear to me that this was the only option. I know I had been happy once. That kind of contentedness that you feel when you're too young and naïve to know any better. Maybe I've never been truly happy. I wouldn't know the difference.

Half the time, they ignored me completely. I was invisible, slowly disappearing before my own eyes. They brushed right past me without a second thought.

The other half, I was a monster. A monster, crudely hidden behind a broken mask of a boy. Some sadistic stoner who would never amount to anything.

I believed in that, at least, even when I couldn't bring myself to believe in my future.

Once upon a time, my mother loved me. We were close when I was younger. As I aged and started to shatter inside, she began to keep her distance, but she still _trusted_ me. That all changed one day when she caught me smoking for the first time. It was then when I realized she had fully given up on me. I was a lost cause. She didn't believe in me, so I learned to doubt myself in an effort to please her. After that failed, I gave up on trying and nothing ever changed.

They weren't wrong, though. They didn't deserve to be put through that- I was only a burden on them. I continued to smoke in an effort to calm myself. I thought that maybe if I could be calm, then they would love me. _Then_ maybe I would even make some sort of impact on someone. But it didn't help and being high only caused me to ignore my own family.

I was emotionally abusing Zoe. She was my own sister and she deserved it less than anyone else. I hurt her more every day that passed. Zoe had stuck by my side for longer than my parents had. She let me vent to her late into the nights, even. But suddenly there came a time when her reputation meant more than trying to fix her ever-breaking brother.

"He just wants attention." My father said, when I threatened to kill myself the first time. I don't think he was wrong, though. Maybe I did only want attention. Maybe I wanted to matter to someone- _anyone..._

Nothing I did could ever redeem myself. There was an impression of me that I couldn't break out of. I couldn't erase what I'd written in ink. As, one by one, everyone I loved and trusted stopped believing in me, I stopped trying to convince myself that I mattered.

Maybe I made the decision then. Maybe I had known all along. All I know was the choice was obvious by that point. Everyone would be happier without me. There was no convincing myself out of it this time.

I will never forget my mother's cry of anguish when she found me slumped over, pill bottle still in hand. Still, she didn't miss me. Nobody did. They all missed the person I _could_ _have_ been.

I knew she'd get over it. And she did. As she read the emails that Evan had faked, she fell in love with the idea of me. The _idea_ that I was a good person. But she didn't miss or love who I really was.

To be honest, I didn't know who I truly was either. No one, myself included, ever saw the me inside of me.

***        *        ***

"You know, when you really stop and think about it, Connor being dead, that's pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to you, isn't it?" Jared's words felt like a punch to my non-existent gut. Not because I was angry. No, because it struck me as _true_.

I hadn't ever been anything but rude to Evan. Hell, I hardly even knew the kid. And he- someone I hardly even knew- benefited from my death. Imagine the impact on people I did know. The impact on my _family_.

My mother found peace in the me that wasn't me. Evan had started to get over his social anxiety. He wasn't alone anymore. My father finally found a shiny new son who didn't ignore him when he tried to be a good father. Thousands- _thousands_ \- of people had found refuge in the Connor Project. And Zoe. Zoe was finally happy. That was all I ever wanted.

I had tried to be a good brother to her. But I failed her, leaving her broken inside. I had hurt her and I could never forgive myself. But now? Zoe had found trust in Evan that she would never be able to find in me. She wasn't weighed down by me anymore. She was happy, for once.

_I had made the right choice._


End file.
